oldin'.home.net

When my computer is taking enormous time to load, i see the library starting to fall over me. The library... is just one way of saying. Actually all the invoices show up in my mailing box, the subsidies requests alert me to have expired, the fridge weeps from an empty stomach feeling and I ... what do I do then ... I start hearing the voices in my head sing: where is my mind...




Then the library..... Oh, yes, the library... my biggest regret. I have quit and forgotten my library as the dolls of my youth and now it is sitting hung up in corners, filling all the empty spaces and ready to chase me away from the house.

Maybe I shall offer it the long chased pleasure once, the pleasure of the chaser to the chased, and go away. But we shall cry then, both of us. And who's got to win from this????

My computer is still loading. It is having me look at a memory of an year full of wishes and promises that's smiling at me from a desktop photo.

... maybe I am ....

I promised

I promised I shall change the world. that was when I first went to the church... or when I saw my first movie, some Abracadabra shooting with queens and princes.... I don't remember exactly. Then I promised I shall be good and change myself. I guess it was when I first made my mama cry. And then it started: I promised I shall give a hand to my old fellows, but instead I left them, I promised I shall control my mind and instead I started to forget, I promised I shall write letters to my friends, but I wrote none, I promised I shall fit in time but time is leaving me behind, I even promised I shall not make any promise anymore... and stepped over this promise too.
lies, statements, swears.... words. they are just words. but why they harm? why is this promise always so optimistic against what you know in advance you've missed?
conmiss\e?!?!?!? is this the key to doing what you say you'll do?

I just wished I could change things as I change words

in tears.... tears for ears and for the years when we forget

because I love symmetry, balance, equilibrium and synchrony (what a lovely description of myself, so simple, so perfect, so limited between it's mirroring endings), well, where there is a start there must be an end. obviously - my logic can never release me. but, in order to have my conscious empty of whatever remorse, I must follow my logic and obey my sense of usefulness, or to be excessively clear, I must obey my senses under the un-condemnable excuse of following a logical structure of the mind.
so here I come with the topic. I just found myself a lamentable, plaintive person. and now I wonder at two things: 1: why on earth would someone who is plaintive and lost among complaints choose a name like inlinification and 2: why there is no noun to describe a plaintive person? I've looked over the dictionary and all I can find are adjectives. Is this what I am? an adjective? well, if it were so, I couldn't stand much against it cause with my lack of form and measure I could hardly fit into a noun, but still...... if I can find a name for my desire - inlinification - and make a noun of it, why can't I define myself through a noun?
a strange matter to pound upon. in case I still feel like pounding upon anything at this time of the day when the hill-cross is gleaming at me.
forget.
and sleep.
so that you can wake up and start it all over agin

what's the sense of beginning

Everytime I'm doing this I start with a commitment. in fact I put a commitment in every start. but I never get to the end. Let's not make commitments. may I get to an end then?! this discussion I've had before. never got an answer. or, to be complete, as I like so, I always get the logical answer: if you don't put a start you have not what to end.
then my topic furthermore should be: commitment - list of substitutes. don't forget they must comprise the same power of impulse and empowerment my personal commitments used to comprise BUT: they must not imply any promise or suggestion of what I have in mind to do for the future.
the way I see this now: the ideal life string: thin, continuous, equal, going on and on and on, no commitments, no beginnings and no end, still, it's life, and it's going along and moving. why can't it be so simple. poor string... it got stuck in the needle's hole because of a tangle. what's doing a tangle in the thread?!?!?! who's tying up these things. someone must keep its fingers in the pockets.
Now I began. without commitment, without being a beginning, because I had begun this before. and I remember when I last wondered "for how many times am I gonna still have the strength to start it all over again?". I have this written still in the message box of my phone. useless to mention when. especially because now I'm saying it again.

so I begin, unable not to commit the fraud of thinking of the only commitment I wish to make at this hour: to start this again once I'll have posted this post.
and more sense full.. if I may hope...